Last week I briefly introduced a positive conflict resolution technique called “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC) or “Compassionate Communication”. This process was created by Marshall Rosenberg and it involves a lot more than just communicating: it’s a different perspective on life and how to connect with yourself and others. It involves values, a way of thinking, and a way of connecting both mentally and verbally. Over the next several posts, I’ll go over the basics. Today I’ll focus on some NVC philosophies and human needs, but first, a word about the name “Nonviolent Communication”.
Many people don’t like this phrase because of the word “violent”. Marshall himself said he doesn’t like this phrase. In an introduction to NVC he said, “Nonviolent Communication. I don’t like that title. But why do I use it? Well, I use it because over the years it connects me with the people around the world that find our training very valuable in their lives and in their political activities.” (YouTube video: Nonviolent Communication NVC Full Course By Marshall Rosenberg. He says this in the first two minutes of this 9-hour audio recording. I listened to the whole thing while doing housework. Besides being valuable information, it sure made the time much more intellectually stimulating!)
There is a spiritual basis for NVC that you should also know about. In his book Living Nonviolent Communication Marshall calls NVC “a practical spirituality” (145). He says, “Nonviolent Communication evolved from my attempt to get conscious about Beloved Divine Energy [ie God] and how to connect with it. … Nonviolent Communication really came out of my attempt to understand this concept of love and how to manifest it, how to do it.” (145, 146) When I read this, it really got my attention. Though I’d been studying and applying NVC for months with positive results, I wasn’t aware of its spiritual origins. Connecting with NVC as a practical spirituality, a way to live the theory of love, made it all the more meaningful for me.
Now, on to some basic philosophies.
NVC Philosophies
- All people have basic human needs.
- All actions are strategies used in an attempt to meet one or more needs.
- When we understand which needs we are trying to meet and connect at the heart level without judgement, positive strategies come to mind.
- Judgements close us off from connecting with our needs and the needs of others.
- Everyone’s needs can get met in healthy, life-serving ways.
Basic Human Needs
In the book mentioned above, Marshall lists needs in seven basic categories (p. ix):
- Autonomy
- Celebration
- Integrity
- Interdependence
- Physical Nurturance
- Play
- Spiritual Communion
You can find a more detailed list here (my favorite list) or here (a needs list on The Center for Nonviolent Communication website). You can also google “NVC Needs List” and see what images pop up to find one you like.
Feelings Point to Needs
Every feeling we have is connected with a need we have. In Marshall’s book, he has two lists of feelings: feelings when needs are fulfilled and feelings when needs are not fulfilled. I’ll list a few here, but you can find a more detailed list here (my favorite list) and here (a feelings list on The Center for Nonviolent Communication website).
Feelings When Needs Are Met
- Comfortable
- Confident
- Energetic
- Hopeful
- Inspired
- Joyous
- Optimistic
- Thankful
Feelings When Needs Are Not Met
- Angry
- Concerned
- Discouraged
- Frustrated
- Helpless
- Impatient
- Irritated
- Lonely
- Overwhelmed
- Sad
A Formula for Self-Connection
If every feeling points to a need, you can start using your feelings to learn what you need. Then you can strategize on how best to meet your needs instead of getting stuck in the internal noise that your feelings are creating. Here’s the basic formula, “I’m feeling because I need .”
Say you walk into your home after being gone for a couple of hours. You notice clutter everywhere and it wasn’t there when you left. You’d describe your house as a “disaster” or a “pig pen”. You feel your blood pressure go through the roof. When using NVC you first self-connect and try to pinpoint a word that describes what you’re feeling. Then you guess what need that feeling points to. In this example you might say, “I feel frustrated and angry because I need order and cooperation!” In more day-to-day terminology, you’re mad because you don’t want to have to do everything yourself and you don’t want to live in a pig pen just because you live with other people who, obviously, are slobs. (Notice all the judgemental words in the common way of describing things. Remember, too, that judgement cuts off connection.) When you get to this point, you can move through the feelings and focus on the needs and how to meet your needs in a way that is respectful of other people’s needs, like the need for respect and love.
NVC and FHE
Here is a post I wrote that shows how my ability to use NVC saved what seemed to be a doomed FHE. Next week I’ll go into the process in a little more detail and with a few examples.
Women’s Day, St. Pat’s, and the Organization of the Relief Society
March 8th is International Women’s Day. Here’s a link describing what it means and has meant around the world. I had never heard of it before and just noticed it on a calendar. I was interested in it because it is so close to the day the Relief Society was formed: March 17, 1842. Yup. The Relief Society was organized on the day we now celebrate St. Patrick’s Day! In the St. Patrick’s Day lesson in FHEasy, the Church History section includes the formation of the Relief Society as well as a paragraph on the first full-time sister missionaries who were called in March of 1898. What a great time to celebrate women!
In the St. Pat’s lesson, the main idea is to focus on feeling lucky for all our blessings. In the past I have printed off free three-leaf clover coloring pages (they symbolize every day, common blessings) and have my kids write what common blessings they are grateful for. Then they color them and and tape them on the wall behind our dinner table. It’s a simple and fun activity.
Happy Home Evenings!
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