Any time I go to BYU Education Week, it is always one of the highlights of my year. Last summer I packed up my kids and arranged babysitting so I could attend a few classes. There are so many options that I have to choose my classes prayerfully.
I was fortunate to find a wonderful presenter named Carrie Wrigley, who has been a marriage counselor for over 20 years. Since my husband and I had had quite blow up earlier in the month, I was drawn to her series of presentations titled “Creating Love: Building and Maintaining a Heartfelt Connection with Your Spouse and Loved Ones”.
It felt like quite a risk going to a new presenter when there were several ones I knew from experience that I would love, but I decided to try the first class available and then decide if I’d continue with her lecture series or change presenters.
Once I went to that first class, I went to every class I could from Sister Wrigley. Her style, humility, class, integration of music, and her great information were exactly what I needed! And I’m excited to share – with her permission – some of what I learned from her.
In last week’s post, I shared a couple of different “Marriage Maps” that really helped me gain perspective on my marriage. Today I want to share what I call Sister Wrigley’s “4 Ts” and how she came up with them, with her express permission.
How Sister Wrigley Came Up with the 4 Steps
Sister Wrigley gave 11 classes at Ed Week last year, and several of them consisted of material she had developed and taught previously. However, one class – the one on creating emotional intimacy in marriage – really weighed on her because she wasn’t clear about what the Lord wanted her to teach. So, with the support of her husband and children, she had a personal writing retreat at a nearby hotel.
The first night she got there, she poured out her heart to Heavenly Father, pleading for clarity in what she was to teach. After praying, she went to bed.
At 2am, she awoke bolt upright and the Spirit told her, “Write this down. ‘How Relationships Are Built: Time … Talk … Trust … Touch.’ ”
She wrote it down, and went back to bed.
At 4am, she suddenly awoke again and the Spirit told her, “Write this down. ‘How Relationships Erode: Time Erosion, Talk Erosion, Trust Erosion, Touch Erosion.’ ”
She wrote it down, and – a little depressed – went back to bed.
At 6am, she awoke again and the Spirit told her, “Write this down. ‘How Relationships Are Re-Built: Time, Talk, Trust, Touch.’ ”
The 4 Ts In More Detail
While I can’t give you the awesome experience I had while listening in person to Sister Wrigley, I can at least give you some of the details she shared about the “4 Ts”.
First, TIME.
Think about any solid relationship and how it starts. It always starts with a large investment of time. Marriage Partners, Parent-Child relationships, Business Partners … Time is spent getting to know each other and doing things together.
When relationships erode, the first thing to go is time together, and usually for the best of reasons! A great career opportunity, a new baby, a new calling … And, of course, there could be other reasons: chatting on the phone with friends for hours, watching TV for most of the night, spending an overabundance of time on Facebook or playing computer or video games.
When we want to rebuild a relationship, time investment must come first. Don’t push talking things out or trying to tell your spouse that they can trust you. Start at the beginning: focus only on spending time together in a positive way.
Second, TALK.
In order to have good relationships, we need to communicate. Thanks to the person I call “The Marriage Mathematician” – John Gottman – we know that good marriages have a positive to negative ratio of 5:1. Meaning, there are five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. Sister Wrigley added, however, that if you’re healing a relationship, the ratio needs to go up to 10:1. Furthermore, I read in Christ-like Parenting that if you’re in a parent-child relationship, the ratio should be 8:1 on a regular basis.
Another thing Sister Wrigley taught was that the “negative” was necessary! She said you may not like to take out the trash, but if you don’t, it builds up and becomes a much bigger problem than if you take it out regularly. So – balance is what we’re after. Mostly positive, but recognize the need for the “negative”.
In the beginning of a relationship, most of the communication is positive. After marriage and some time erosion, often-times more and more talk is negative. Blaming and complaining and criticizing are all too easy to do. This can get very destructive and the ratio can tip and flip to 1:5 or more positive to negative interactions.
To rebuild relationships, shoot for 5-10 positives per negative, and if you’re really serious … track your interactions. Actually get a little notebook or set up a place on your phone where you note your perception of interactions and see exactly the ratio you’re hitting.
Third, TRUST.
Trust grows out of spending time together and talking together. YOU CANNOT FORCE TRUST. If you feel like you don’t trust your spouse emotionally or that your spouse doesn’t trust you, go back to step one and start spending time together. Then work on step two and invest time in positive communication. Trust follows.
- My note here is to make sure you are doing what you say you’ll do. Make sure you’re trustWORTHY. If you say you’ll come home at a certain time, make sure you do it. Follow through with everything you say you’ll do, no matter how big or small it is. Following through builds trust! If something prevents you from doing what you said you would do, communicate the change ASAP. Build your own self-respect and trust. Become 100% trustworthy.
In the honeymoon phase of a relationship, because of all the positive time and talk you enjoy, trust is natural. But after a few years of marriage and some big and small disappointments, it’s common that you get to a point where you don’t trust your spouse. You may even feel betrayed. Betrayed by your spouse, by God, by the Church, by your family, by anyone who in any way encouraged you to think marriage was a good idea. This level of disconnection and lack of trust is very painful!
To rebuild trust, go to step 1 and start investing time. Make sure you are taking care of yourself, watching your thoughts and keeping them faithful and positive, and when you naturally want to talk, do it and watch the ratio.
- One note here – if you are being physically abused, please get serious about protecting yourself in whatever way is necessary. This post is focused on emotional trust, not physical. Respect yourself and put distance between you and anyone who has a history of physically hurting you.
Fourth, TOUCH.
Okay. Let’s face the facts. Men are geared for touch, particularly intimate touch. That is how they feel connected. When they feel disconnected from their wives, they’ll often want to touch her and escalate that touch into an intimately connecting experience.
HOWEVER …
When women feel disconnected, touch is the LAST thing they want! Sister Wrigley said that when a woman feels very hurt and disconnected, the touch of her husband often feels like “acid on her skin”.
Men – pay attention to this! Your natural instinct will have the opposite effect on your wife than you want it to!
So what do you do?
START WITH STEP 1! Remember the order: Time … talk … trust … then touch.
Don’t rush it or you’ll be worse off than you when you started trying to reconnect.
Women – please pay attention to this! When your husband reaches out to touch you and wants an intimate connection, don’t assume he’s trying to use you or gratify himself. HE’S TRYING TO CONNECT WITH YOU! He’s saying, “I miss you. I want to feel close to you.”
I’m not saying you should engage in intimate contact if your heart’s not in it … at all. I think that’s dishonest and hurtful to your self-respect and your relationship. All I’m saying is, please see his actions in perspective and don’t harshly push him away. He wants to connect, like you do. His instincts just tell him to do it differently than yours do.
How I’ve Applied the 4 Ts
I learned about the 4 Ts on August 18, 2017. Previously, on August 1, my husband and I had a hugely disconnecting experience, which I briefly described in last week’s post. Basically, I triggered and then he triggered and it was just not a pretty sight, and then it left us both hugely disconnected and wondering what on earth to do.
After learning about the “Marriage Map” concept (also discussed in last week’s post) and then being given the 4 Ts during Ed Week, I felt something wonderful.
HOPE!
When I went home, I focused on step 1 and only step 1: Time.
When you’re disconnected, even spending time in your spouse’s presence can be very painful. It helped me a lot to know that I didn’t have to say anything. I just needed to spend some time with my husband. I also committed to being as open and clear as I could be mentally so I wasn’t running fear, frustration, or criticism tapes in my head that would destroy my intention to rebuild our connection.
So, I walked out to where he was working on projects and just stood there and looked and said the minimum. I spent a little time in the same room with him and again said little to nothing, but made sure I wasn’t emanating mental negativity. I went on a drive to one of our nearest towns (45 minutes away) to get some parts for a project he was doing. Then, the next day I helped him with the project, again, pretty quietly.
It was interesting, though. By the time we were doing the project, I was naturally wanting to talk a little. We talked some as we started the project and then more and more. We started joking and brainstorming how best to do the project. At one point, I made a suggestion that my husband really liked and he spontaneously hugged me. I was quite surprised, but also happy. Cautiously happy, but happy.
I still wasn’t pushing or trying to “fix things”, but the communication opened up. And as we worked on that, trust built up, and touch came naturally.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship
Next week, I want to share some things that Sister Wrigley taught about relationship maintenance, because, as a man I met on a plane once said, “You can’t put your marriage on cruise control”. You have to nurture your marriage, but … how much time do you put in and what do you do? That’ll be next week.
The Marriage and FHE Connection
Why am I talking about marriage when my book and my focus are about family home evening and scripture study? Because the marriage is the foundation of the family. Having a strong marriage naturally contributes to …
Happy Home Evenings!
No Comments Yet