This week on February 2, my husband and I will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.
February is a busy month for us. Our anniversary starts it off. Then we have my brother-in-law’s birthday, Valentine’s Day, my mom’s birthday. Then my husband’s birthday finishes the month off. So, there’s lots of love and relationship stuff going on in February in my world.
In honor of all of that, I am dedicating all of February’s posts to love, marriage, and relationships. Today I’m excited share the concept of Marriage Maps.
Marital Disconnect
So, at the end of
last summer, my husband and I weren’t speaking to each other beyond necessity … for quite a while. It was uncomfortable and concerning. For months I had learned some wonderful communication techniques from a Nonviolent/Compassionate Communication Coach which had served me well. But then…
One night, I got triggered. Bad. And I briefly but intensely blew up. The next morning when I tried to apologize and reconnect, my husband got triggered. Bad. And he briefly but intensely blew up.
And I found myself in such a conundrum. I’d worked and worked in all the ways I knew to invest in my marriage and here we were again, disconnected and frustrated and feeling like there was so much potential for our marriage but, at the time, I didn’t have any idea how to make it functional, much less wonderful.
I did three things that helped.
- I backed off. I didn’t try to push things back together or hash things out or “fix things” in any way. I just let myself take a breather.
- I took care of myself. I relaxed a little more, slowed down, and did a few small things that nurtured me as an individual.
- I perused some marriage books I’d heard of and the one I ended up reading is called The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis
The “Marriage Map” from The Divorce Remedy
Just like this treasure map doesn’t go from location to destination in a straight line, our marriages don’t go from the wedding to mature love in a linear way. There are some ups and downs, detours, and times we’re going around in circles. But, the treasure is there and we’re going to find it!
Now, I wasn’t considering divorce. I just wanted to figure out how to make my marriage as close and loving and enjoyable and my husband and I both wanted it to be.
And toward the beginning of The Divorce Remedy was something that was truly, life-changingly wonderful!
A “Marriage Map”!
The “Marriage Map” gave me a different perspective on myself, my husband, and my marriage, leaving me thinking, “What if nothing’s really ‘wrong’ and we’re just going through a normal, developmental process of marriage?” The concept was so liberating that I’m sharing the stages of marriage below, but first an intro quote from the author, Michele Weiner-Davis:
As a longtime observer of relationship, I can tell you that, like people, marriages also go through different developmental stages and predictable crises. Everyone is familiar with the infancy stay of marriage – the infamous ‘honeymoon period’ – but what happens after that? Does marriage have its equivalent to the ‘Terrible Twos’ or the stormy teenage years? In fact, it does. … Some couples move through these stages more quickly than others, and some bypass certain stages entirely.”
” Those who manage to weather these universal stormy periods usually come out the other side with greater love and commitment to their spouses.”(Both quotes are on p. 59)
- Stage 1 – PASSION PREVAILS! We’re meant for each other. I feel complete. Life is wonderful!
- Stage 2 – WHAT WAS I THINKING??? … That pretty much sums it up! “You knew life wouldn’t always be a bed of roses, but you never thought all you’d get was a bed of thorns … You feel disillusioned and you wonder if you made a mistake.” (p. 61)
- Stage 3 – EVERYTHING WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU CHANGED. … I’m right. You’re wrong. And you should change. If you did, all would be well in our marriage! This is where people start wondering, “Should I get a divorce?”
- Stage 4 – THAT’S JUST THE WAY MY PARTNER IS. This is the acceptance phase. You realize that you are your partner are just different and you’ll probably never see eye to eye on certain things, and that’s going to have to be okay. We also “dare to ask ourselves whether there’s something about our own behavior that could use some shaping up. … We mellow. We let things roll off our back that might have caused us to go to battle before. We stop being opponents. We’re teammates again. And because we’re smart enough to have reached this stage, we reap the benefits of the fifth, and final stage.” (p. 63)
Stage 5 – TOGETHER, AT LAST. Mature love. “When all the pain and hard work of the earlier stages really begins to pay off. … You start to notice how much you are really liking [your spouse] again. … You have a shared history. And although you’d both agree that marriage hasn’t been easy, you can feel proud that you’ve weathered the storms. You appreciate your partner’s sense of commitment and dedication to making your marriage last. … What you don’t appreciate, you find greater acceptance for. You feel closer and more connected. … You’re home again.” (pp.63-64)
A 3-Stage Version of the Marriage Development Process
Carrie Wrigley, a marriage counselor in Utah, shared a “marriage map” in three stages:
- Honeymoon
- Power Struggle
- Mature love.
I loved her wording as she explained the stages. She described the honeymoon phase and then say, “AS NIGHT FOLLOWS DAY, the power struggle phase happens. Plan on it. You can put it on your calendar.”
Her point? NO ONE’S marriage is a honeymoon the whole time, and it wasn’t meant to be! Anymore than a seed with the potential to become a beautiful, fruitful tree was meant to stay a seed forever! Who wants a seed when you can have fruit!
Our marriages have life force in them. They are meant to grow. And that means growing pains.
How the “Marriage Map” Concept Helped Me Move Forward
Both of these presentations of “Marriage Maps” helped me stop wishing for past days of easy connection, constant admiration, and endless appreciation (the honeymoon phase). Basically, they helped me stop looking in the rear view mirror and they gave me something to work toward: mature love! Where you can be a real person with real challenges and emotions and your spouse can be a real person, too! And you can deal with real life together in a loving way.
My stress levels went way down as I grasped the concept of “Marriage Maps” and worked through the rest of The Divorce Remedy suggestions. I am so grateful for the book and so very fortunate to discover Carrie Wrigley as a presenter at BYU Education Week where, among other wonderful things, she described the 4 steps of creating great relationships, which I’ll share next week.
The Marriage and Family Connection
What does marriage have to do with family home evening and scripture study? Well, isn’t it obvious that if you’re married, your family is based on your marriage? Strengthen the marriage, strengthen the family. When you’re happier in your marriage, it’ll be easier to have …
Happy Home Evenings!
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