THE TALE OF A DOOMED FHE
Recently, it was time for family home evening and I was really looking forward to it. My husband wouldn’t be coming back from work before the kids needed to go to bed, so I was flying solo. We got started okay and had a little lesson during dinner, but pretty soon my 7-year-old was pestering my 10-year-old incessantly, and my 10-year-old was loudly protesting. “Stop it! Mom! MOM!!!” That kind of screaming makes even the most even-tempered parent want to pack up and take an impromptu vacation to, well, anywhere. On top of that, my 3-year-old would not just sit down and eat. They were driving me wild!
TIME OUT!
In an attempt not to totally lose it and do something I’d regret, I said, “All right! YOU – out the back door. YOU – out in the front yard. And you, littlest one, it’s time to play in your room with your blocks for a few minutes.” I then set a timer for five minutes and went to my room to cool down. After a few minutes of deep breathing and distracting myself, I had a brilliant idea.
ONE-ON-ONE HEART-TO-HEART TALKS
First, I noticed what I was feeling: frustration, disappointment, and sadness. Then I noticed what I wanted for the evening: connection, cooperation, and fun. When I was feeling calm, cool, and connected, then I started focusing on figuring out what was going on for each of the kids.
I had a one-on-one talk with each kid and really tried to understand how she was feeling and want she was wanting – then I gently told her how disappointed I felt because I had been looking forward to having a fun family home evening and I needed harmony and cooperation and fun. Then I shared how I was curious to know if she had any ideas of how we could all have a fun FHE that night.
My middle girl said she was frustrated and disappointed because she really wanted to read the book she had been reading when I “interrupted” her for family home evening. We made a deal that she could read while I talked to her sisters and then whatever time she got to bed, she could read for at least 15 minutes, and that worked for her. We brainstormed for a few minutes about what we could do for FHE and then she happily skipped away. Success!
The oldest girl was next and she talked about how frustrated she was that her sister had been pestering her and how she needed some respect. She also talked about how tired she was and how she needed support getting to bed early. So, I offered to support her going to bed early by giving her a day off of a few of her chores she still had to do. She was so grateful! After I shared how I felt and what I needed, we brainstormed and decided to make an FHE treat, and then she left happy. Success #2!
My 3-year-old was last and things got really simple. She just wanted to have fun and be happy. We chatted a little and she left happy.
WHAT WE ENDED UP DOING
I knew the baby would be thrilled to go to a nearby park so I privately checked to see if the other girls would be happy to do that and they agreed, so off we went to the park for about fifteen minutes. When we got home we still had enough time to make some boxed brownies before bed, which turned out to be really fun.
WAS IT WORTH TAKING THE TIME TO CONNECT?
When I had the idea to talk to each kid one-on-one I wondered if I really wanted to take the time, but then I decided it would probably be worth it. If I didn’t, we’d spend a rotten evening apart and I’d be barking orders and getting them all in bed ASAP … and I’d end up frustrated and disappointed and they’d end up feeling sad and upset. If I did do it, we had a chance at turning around what seemed to be a doomed FHE, having a wonderful time, and going to bed happy and connected, which is how it turned out.
THE TECHNIQUE I USED
The technique I used is based on the teaching of Marshall Rosenburg, founder of the Center for Non-violent Communication. He developed this way of thinking and connecting to others as he searched for a way to experience joy, connection with others, and connection with God in his daily life. I highly recommend his work. It has turned my life around for the better. Just go on youtube and search for Marshall Rosenburg and watch a few clips to get an idea of how things work. If you are a reader, my favorite book to date on NVC is “Living Non-violent Communication”.
I have found that learning how to connect heart to heart this way has been a big contributor to creating happiness in my family. I hope it helps you create …
Happy Home Evenings!
*Photo credit: 2015 Sharon & Nikki McCutcheon, Creative Commons License
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